“I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own. Living with real children can be humbling.”

-Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Originally published in the 1980’s, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk has become a parenting bible of sorts and for good reason. The book is a straightforward coaching guide on how to, well, you know – it’s in the title. What’s not in the title is how much easier life gets when there is two-way communication between adults and kids. While parenting is much messier (like British Royal relationships messy), than the flawlessly executed examples in the book, I can confirm that employing their tactics have made my life a little less messy (like Megan and Harry with Oprah as their therapist messy).

I’ll summarize this book over the next three weeks, the first part is on helping children deal with their feelings.

The book’s authors, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, had this “back of a napkin” flywheel moment after a parenting class:

As parents, we can (at least I can) get into a habit of being dismissive of how my kids feel (aka not accepting). We’re having popsicles, why are you sad? There is no reason to be so upset. You’re just tired. You’re not hot. In human history, no one with a popsicle has ever been sad!

But here’s the thing. Continuous denial of feelings is confusing for kids.

They begin to think that they can’t trust their feelings. It’s as if our infant pointed to a cat, and we said “trash can,” and the next day pointed to the cat, and we said “fiddle leaf fig.” Toddler: WTF?! Do I not trust my eyes, or do I not trust my adult?

Here are some simple steps for listening and teaching kids about their inner feeling world:

1. Don’t half listen; listen with full attention. Kids are much more likely to open-up if they know you are listening.
2. Instead of questions or advice, acknowledge their feelings with a word or an mhhh, I see. This openness gives the child an invitation to explore her own thoughts and feelings, and solutions.
3. Help by giving the feeling a name, “this bubbling lava inside you that makes you want to scream is called anger.” When we urge kids to push away the feeling, they usually get more upset (or learn to repress emotions). Parents fear that giving a name to an emotion will make it worse, but the opposite is true – the child is deeply comforted because someone is calling the cat a “cat” and not “sarsaparilla candle wax.”
4. Turn explanation and logic into wishes in fantasy, “I bet you wish you could stay all day at the pool.”

Other takeaways:

• Be wary of agreeing rather than accepting your child’s emotions. Saying, “you’re right to feel angry about the limitlessness of space,” might feel good at the moment, but it prevents the child from thinking through for themselves. If you accept feelings with an “um, oh,” it gives space for kids to interpret the situation and reach a resolution by themselves.
• It’s okay to mis-identify feelings. As your kids get comfortable with naming emotions and trusting your openness, they can better push back.
• When kids are agitated, try some physical activity (punching pillows, pounding clay, throwing darts, drawing) to get calm. Faber and Mazlish cite drawing and writing lists as their most effective method of calming down.
• All feelings are okay. All behavior is not. When we accept feelings, kids are more open to the limits we impose on them (aka better behavior).
• Avoid parroting the child; to the child, this is a good indication that you weren’t fully engaged in listening and likely to frustrate your child.
• Don’t repeat names kids call themselves. Instead, use the saying, “those are tough feelings to have.”
• Help kids understand that they can have two feelings at the same time. “You’re excited and nervous.” Having two emotions simultaneously can be confusing to kids (and parents), so we need to teach them.
• It is much harder to accept feelings that trigger negative emotions like, “I hate grandma,” but you can do it!

As one mom in the book puts it, “I just began to realize what unnecessary pressure I’ve been putting myself under to make sure my kids are happy all the time. I first became aware of how far gone I was when I found myself scotch taping a broken pretzel back together to stop my four-year-old from crying. I’ve also begun to realize what a burden I’ve put on the children. Think of it. Not only are they upset about the original problem, but then they get more upset because they see me suffering over their suffering. My mother used to do that to me, and I remember feeling so guilty. Like there was something wrong with me for not being happy all the time.”

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