Last week we introduced the conceptual framework from the Yes Brain Child​

• There is a green zone. I think of this as the “swing easy” zone (she says after hitting exactly two golf balls further than 50 yards).
• Kids (okay, adults too) get outside of their green zone when they feel like they need to protect themselves from something (real or imagined). Then, they head into the red zone; the fight or flight modus operandi.
• Or this might lead to the blue zone. Que freeze or faint.

Moving on. Siegel and Payne Bryson cover four building blocks for spending more time in the green zone: 1. balance (how to stay in the green more) 2. resilience (expanding the green zone aka giving our kids longer fuses), 3. empathy and 4. Insight (getting kids back into their green zone quicker). We’ll cover the first two this week; three and four next time.

Cultivating balance is key to a yes brain. Not balance beam balance–albeit fantastic–but the emotional stability and regulation between the brain and body. Siegel and Payne Bryson put balance first and spend a lot of time on it. Balance is the building block for the other three pillars. When kids are out of balance and unregulated, they are unable to learn. ”Learn” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. I’m talking about learning they can rely on their adults, learning what behaviors have consequences, learning language, learning how to learn, etc.

When a human baby is born, their reptilian brain – the downstairs brain – is fully developed. This is the part of the brain that is responsible for our breathing, sucking, farting.

The upstairs brain is still being developed and will not fully develop until said baby is well into his mid-twenties (might this explains parachute pants in the 80s, cargo shorts in the 90s and the return of acid wash jeans?). The upstairs brain is responsible for cognitive skills, emotional, relational, complex reasoning, planning, considering consequences, and other perspectives. Until this upstairs brain starts to come online, the human youngster will be incapable of controlling his emotions and body completely. He is operating from a downstairs brain only. And so, with this grave sentence, the parent must serve as the child’s external upstairs brain. We help him regulate and let him know what’s safe and what’s dangerous. To promote balance, we teach our children how to modulate their feelings, letting them know they are safe and soothing them back into the green zone.

Children misbehave because they can’t appropriately control their actions, not because they don’t wanna. Kids don’t like feeling out of control – it is scary for them. Without our help, they’re forced to deal with this dysregulated scary state on their own.

Siegel and Payne Bryson place a “healthy mind platter” (I’m not sure that eating was the best metaphor, but, hey, I’ll roll with it) at the center of maintaining balance. They found it critical for children to have some of the following things in their day: sleep, physical movement, focus, time in (aka time reflecting on their internal state), downtime, connecting, and playtime. They put double emphasis on sleep (sleep is important for parents too!).

Lack of balance and frequent reactivity can stem from sources like developmental age, temperament, sleep, trauma, sensory processing challenges, medical issues, learning and cognitive disabilities, parental responses, and mental health disorders. The results, however, are easily recognized: emotional chaos, explosive anger, yelling, disrespectful intense anxiety, withdrawal depression, self-isolation (yes, I know this is a terrible paragraph).

While balance is about spending more time in the green zone. The second pillar, resilience, is about expanding the green zone. A fellow parent just asked me, “yeah, yeah, I get being emotionally supportive of my kid, but I wasn’t coddled, and I know grit is important, so, how do I balance being supportive of the emotions resulting from the Elsa dress getting yogurt on it with the need for my child to learn that cloths get dirty?” This is where resilience comes in.

Resilience is a state of resourcefulness that helps us move through challenges with strength and clarity. When our kid is out of their green zone, they are telling us that they need to learn something; think of ‘outside the green zone’ as the equivalent of pointing for learning language. For example, every time our kid throws a tantrum about not sharing the vintage LV luggage, they’re telling us that they need help building their sharing skills.

It is wildly important to reiterate that kids cannot learn when they’re out of their green zone. So, get them to calm down before imparting your wisdom. Siegel and Payne Bryson suggest showering kids with four S: safe, seen, soothed, and secure to make sure kids are in the right headspace to learn and test their bounds.

An excellent word that Siegel and Payne Bryson introduce is “yet.” “You aren’t able to muster the courage to order for yourself, YET.” (That is, until they reply “but mom, I want the lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top… and spam!”) “Yet” signals to our children that it is okay that they don’t know this skill, but with work, they will - it reminds us and them of a growth mindset. ​​

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