This is Part 2 of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, covering how to enlist cooperation based on the book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. If you missed it, you can find part 1 on helping kids deal with their feelings HERE.
Everyone who knows everything about parenting is well aware of the fact that - with the right advice - children are easily manipulated into behaving perfectly 100% of the time. Right? That idea is silly, right? We can strive to be better, but we aren’t perfect. This is Happy Volcanoes, not Happy Robots, after all!
Faber and Mazlish respond to the question, “should I expect my children to always behave with these techniques?” Their response:
“We would hope not. Children aren’t robots. Our purpose is not to set forth a series of techniques to manipulate behavior so children always respond. Our purpose is to speak to what is best in our children; intelligence, initiative, their sense of responsibility, their sense of humor, their ability to be sensitive to the needs of others. We want to put an end to talk that wounds the spirit and search out the language that nourishes self-esteem. We want to create an emotional climate that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves and because they care about us. We want to demonstrate the kinds of respectful communication that we want them to use with us now, during their adolescence, and as our adult friends.”
The authors point out the tension between parents and kids: as parents, we are trying to get children to behave in socially acceptable ways. Kids’ brains have other priorities, like play and exploring. And discovering attention-grabbing places to stick lollipops. There are a lot of ineffective ways we try and get kids to conform to our expectations. These tactics erode our children’s trust in us and themselves.
What NOT to do:
Faber and Mazlish suggest these alternative strategies to initiate cooperation:
Some additional notes:
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